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GEORGE LUCAS HIRES ROGER WATERS TO WRITE STAR WARS EPISODE II WITH DESIGNS BY GERALD SCARFE AND DIRECTION BY ALAN PARKER. Though no title has been officially settled on as of this time, a few potential titles have already been leaked: Amused to Darth, The Empire Spits Back, The Phantom Menace of the Opera, The Return of the Son of the Jedi, Star Walls, or The Darth Side of the Moon. When pressed by angry Star Wars fans who loosened the stick long enough to stamp their feet and howl in frustration about Lucas's unlikely pick, the grandfather of the Star Wars series simply shrugs and steps back behind his all-too-eager bodyguards who summarily beat a few of the four-eyed, pimple-faced, slide-rule-totin', never-kissed-a-girl Star Wars geeks/fans into a bleeding, messy pulp. The rest of the crowd pulls back, whimpering in fear. "I can't say why I picked Roger Waters. And I literally mean that, since his lawyers and Steve O'Rourke will be all over me like stink on Celine Dion. But I think in the end, Roger and I see eye-to-eye on this whole thing. He and I feel Star Wars would be much better if we injected a bit of humor into it all. It's so serious, you know." But that hardly explains why Lucas is allowing the team of Waters, Scarfe, and Parker to turn the next episode of Star Wars into a French opera, plans that Waters himself unveiled briefly from a third story window of his home last week. Rumors that Madonna will play a role run rampant through the Hollywood showbiz rags. "Oh that's utter garbage, you know... all that bollocks about Madonna," Waters replies via a late-night call to my answering machine. "And if you know what's good for you, you'll keep that sort of stuff out of the press, you pathetic bastard. I'll smear your name up and down... you'll never work in this town again. Besides that, she's playing opposite Jar-Jar in many scenes and they make a damn cute couple! So back off, man!" And there is that scandal as well: Waters' well-known plans to promote Jar-Jar Binks as the central character of the saga. "It's obvious really," Roger explains, calling my machine back a while later. "Jar-Jar lost his father early in his life, and I see him as this sort of symbol of how sad the fucking world is, how utterly hopeless and bleak and sad the modern world is, and here's this fellow, you know, just like you and me except he eats things with this very peculiar, long tongue and has this walk that is so silly and funny and makes you feel good about humanity and makes you realize that we're all good inside and loving and wonderful and... (BEEP-- *message three*) ... fucking machine cut me off... alright where was I? Oh, yes, Jar-Jar is this... um... oh, I don't know. I just like him. Fuck off." Waters has also raised eyebrows by ousting Episode One star Ewan MacGregor in favor of Bob Geldof, who will play the older, wiser Obi-Wan Kenobi in the next Star Wars installments. "It only makes sense," Lucas admits, via an anonymous note dropped on my front porch made up from letters cut out from various print sources, "for Sir Bob to play the role that was originated by Sir Alec Guinness. I think that the brotherhood of knighthood allows for a certain understanding of the solemn nobility that the character requires." "I was flattered when Gearge asked, I was," Geldof said. " 'Aye, I kin play yer Jedi,' I said. 'Sure, an' it'll be a foin opportunity fer me to get back into me acting.'" Unconfirmed reports circulated among the Star Wars faithful tell of an elaborate shoot in Tunisia, where Geldof will be shooting. Apparently, Obi-Wan has retired to Tattooine and spends most of the time sitting around the house, staring at the television, and watching old Clone War films. "Roger's done some grand things with the plot and characterization. Me character goes a bit mad, 'e does," Geldof reports. "I've got to shave off me bloody eyebrows with a lightsaber. The special effects will knock you out!" Later, a young Tattoonian groupie arrives at Obi-Wan's spacious hovel. "Are all these your lightsabers?" she says. "...Wow! Look at this hydrothermal-cleansing unit! Wanna take a bath? What are you watching? Are you feeling okay? I've got a bad feeling about this." Episode Two will also dwell quite heavily on young Anakin's longing for his mother, and his uncertain place in the Jedi hierarchy. In a complex flashback sequence, Anakin's worries and fears are summed up in the following song which Water's whipped up for the new film, and which will be translated to French.
When asked to discuss the personal nature of the lyrics, Roger responds with a note tied to a brick which is hurled through my window sometime after 3 AM. "It means a lot to me to emphasize that the boy isn't just a boy, but a sort of a symbol of man's ennui, the penchant that mankind has for war and killing each other and squashing each other like little bugs and stuff. I mean, that's what it's all about, innit? And if you know what's good for you, you'll keep this out of the press too!" For the most part George Lucas refuses comment.
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